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For Queen and Country
For Queen and Country The Face of Evil "Meryl! Enact security protocol kappa! You, with broken fingers, get the weapon!" -Nitpicker "Do not bother.... I've already sent 14 Body-Wired bombs to this place... you kill me... and I drag you all to hell (Evil Laugh) And now for the best part." Mr Wolf begins glowing... then disappears.. and reappears in human form "Makes me invulnerable to silver now.... (Evil Laugh...again)"-Mr.Wolf "You! What do have against us? What did we ever do to you, Huh?" -Lord Spoonfield "Nothing... but your ancestors hunted my race to extinction... scouring us from the world... I am the last of my kind... and I'm here for revenge."-Mr.Wolf "Revenge? Revenge?! For something that happened over 500 years ago?! You fool! You idiot! I should have killed you when I had the chance, all those years ago... " -Lord Spoonfield "Here's your damn chance Spoon! Not even werewolves can withstand troll stupidity!" -Nitpicker, as Meryl trundles out the door with his brain "Muahahahah..... fail..... I can withstand trolls... my brother was one... your feeble attempts make me laugh"-Mr.Wolf "Lutefisk, dammit!" reverberates through the walls, as Nitpicker shouts while fleeing. "No, no. He must know the truth. I wasn't sure before... but that face... it's unforgettable." -Lord Spoonfield "Stalling eh? Muahahahahaha! This is one example why your ancestors didn't have the balls to clear out the cave 500 miles below this manor"-Mr.Wolf "Thirty years ago, I found you lying in a ditch, soaking wet, with claw wounds all down your flank. A dead wolf was lying a little off from you, ripped to shreads. The blood on your claws told the story." -Lord Spoonfield "Am I supposed to care? If I am... then I'm failling severely"-Mr.Wolf "You killed your own kind, Wolf. You can't say there is nothing wrong with that, and if you do, you sir, are a hypocrite." -Lord Spoonfield "I may have killed my own kind... but THOSE wolfs were in question... pathetic idiots. Not worthy of anything... I would've left them alone... but they HAD to go and kill my mother and father.... it may have been genocide... but genocide is the only way to win something"-Mr.Wolf "No, Wolf. They were your Mother and Father." -Lord Spoonfield "Good for them....... Sorry Spoonfield but you must not have met someone of my type.... I care for nothing..... my immortality and regeneration capabilities allow me infinite power.... and the amount of times I've been betrayed and screwed over has changed me into what I am now.... I even help manipulate something... without my prowess. You wouldn't have been able to find that lukefisk...or the Norway guy thing...."-Mr.Wolf "You surprise me, Wolf. I had always thought you a decent chap. And now trying to throw me off guard with these pathetic stories? Hahaha. But, I'll humor you. Please, do tell." -Lord Spoonfield "HA! You thought I was a decent chap? I'm the motherfucker that kills babies for fun you idiot"-Mr.Wolf "I came to expect that from you. You lived up those expectations. Now, please, your story of manipulation." -Lord Spoonfield "Simple... I used my grandfathers ol' Brainwave manipulator to manipulate many things.... including THIS bitch's death."-Mr.Wolf "You're mad, Wolf. You think you hold absolute power, but you don't. You are flawed, a mutant, a MONGREL. You are no better than a dog." -Lord Spoonfield "Says the demented man who believes that cheese will hold any significance in the world.... that the pathetic advertisement man named Billy Mays is a good bodyguard..... hmmmph... you make me laugh Spoonfield.... but enough of this squabbling.... I initiated an air strike in the manor.... you have 5 minutes to make your escape.... as for us... we'll meet again"-Mr.wolf Mr.Wolf then disappears Airstrike?! "He's bluffing. He knew he couldn't win. So he tried to scare us. However, I have a plan..." -Lord Spoonfield Spoonfield pulls out an un-opened tin of anchovies The intercom crackles and sputters, before eventually turning on. "Spoonfield, are you sure about this? I don't think the bunker can take it. How do we know he'll even show up? We're all going to die, aren't we? Crap, this was not in the plans... " -Nitpicker "Nitpicker, we never planned to lose the cells, but we recovered. We never planned for you to die, but you recovered. Sticking exactly to the plan never helped anyone. And in regards to his appearance, it is said that he travels the globe, searching for anchovies, he can smell them from over 500 miles away. Please Nitpicker, trust me on this." -Lord Spoonfield "Okay. Okay... Goodbye, Meryl. I love you." -Nitpicker begins to sob and panic... well, as well as a disembodied brain can try to convey emotions. Did somebody say "anchovies"? Suddenly, a dust cloud appears on the horizon. As it comes closer, it is clear that the dust cloud is not something, but someone. The angels cry as the Angry Norwegian Dude runs up to the battlefield that Spoonfield manor has become. "Flott kjenningsmelodi, hva?" - The Angry Norwegian Dude "For the sake of Sega Genesis, this is not the time! Speak English!" - Lord Spoonfield "OK, then. Let me guess: A mad, regenerating, immortal werewolf is here for revenge, and he has launched an airstrike, as well as rigged the manor with bombs?" - The Angry Norwegian Dude "...Correct. How did you know?" - Nitpicker of the Wastes "Yahoo Answers. I take the can of anchovies is the pay? Good. Now, I can deal with the airstrike, but you smart-asses have to deal with the whole "immortal werewolf" thing. I think they killed an immortal gal in X-Men 2 with adamantium, or some shit." - The Angry Norwegian Dude "Wait. Who deals with the rigged bombs?" - Lord Spoonfield "I already have. I had to eat something before I helped you out, right?" - The Angry Norwegian Dude "You are able to eat fucking explosives?" - Nitpicker "Those weren't bombs, those were Turkish meatballs. With an explosive aftertaste. Har har har." - The Angry Norwegian Dude "Enough with the food-based puns! How will you deal with a fucking air strike, you twat?" -Steve "You dare insult my food based puns? MY FIRE BE PURGED!!!" - The Angry Norwegian Dude The Angry Norwegian Dude draws the Comma Assault Rifle and fills Steve with holes. "Fatality, bitch." - The Angry Norwegian Dude "I guess that answers the question, don't it? To the conference room! We don't have much time!" - Lord Spoonfield "...I'll just stay here in the bunker, then. Let's see what we can do about your right gyro-servo, 'eh Meryl?" -Nitpicker Lateral Thinking "Alright people, the threat of Mr.Wolf and his airstrike have come to our doorstep. The Dude is dealing with the airstrike, and it is up to us to defeat the foul Wolf. An idea I came up with a while back may just help us. Doctor, is it ready?" -Lord Spoonfield "Yes, my lord." Doctor Y "Good, send in... The Dodo!" -Lord Spoonfield The conference doors burst open, and a strange bird-like thing trundles in. It squarks. "This, friends, is the Dodo. Created from some cells we found in Svalbard. Don't touch it, it has a tendancy to, er... explode. It is a most powerful weapon, detonation creates a massive shockwave and engulfs anything nearby in flame. What do you think?" -Lord Spoonfield Another screen turns orange. Doctor Y presses a few keys, and a three dimensional replica of Nitpicker's head appears on-screen. "The Mark 16 Krimson BlastBot, with a few minor modifications. A stun compound has been mixed into the Composite 4 charge. One wiff of the stuff, along with the massive physical trauma, should put Wolf out like a light. Proceed to blast him with Secret Weapon X, and the world will be short one werewolf." -Nitpicker "The Mark 16 Krimson BlastBot maximum range exceeds two decameters. Use excess fuse time to vacate area. " -Meryl "Yes, unfortunatly, Mr.Wolf has a tendancy to 'regenerate', and as we know, is immune to silver. However, this building has a Cryogenic Freezer down in the sub-sub basement. We will have approximitly 10 minutes to move him there. That is, of course it doesn't kill him outright, but it's better to be safe than dead." -Lord Spoonfield The Wolf Menace Mr.Wolf stands on the main lawn of Spoonfield Manor, grinning at the destruction around him, savouring the moment before the missiles arrive. Unbeknownst to him, the Norwegian was putting his plan into affect... "You'd better say your goodbyes,Spoony,'cause in a few seconds,this place will be nothing but a bad memory..." - Mr. Wolf "Ah, the generic evil banter. It sure brings me back..." - The Angry Norwegian Dude "Who the hell are you? Some kind of gay Viking?" - Mr. Wolf "I'm gonna pretend I didn't hear that, your furry twat. I am the Angry Norwegian Dude. Normally, I wouldn't mind aggressive conversations with anthropomorphic werewolves, but right now I have a job to do. Step aside." - The Angry Norwegian Dude "Hmmm... youre the troll hunter? I thought you were taller..." - Mr. Wolf "I get that a lot. Now, if you could please express your evil banter someplace else, it would be nice. That missile strike won't repel itself, you know." - The Angry Norwegian Dude "WAIT... Missile strike? Are you Spoonys hired goon?" - Mr. Wolf "No. I work on my own. But Lord Spoonfield does things that can benefit the entire post-apocalyptic world. Also, he pays me with anchovies. Would you please step aside now?" - The Angry Norwegian Dude "Oh no. Nononononono. Averting my missile strike? ain't going to happen. Prepare to die." - Mr. Wolf "Hmmm... A generic battle between good and evil? Well, if that's the best you can do, then get on with it." - The Angry Norwegian Dude Mr. Wolf pulls out a MIRV and points it at the Angry Norwegian Dude, who is remarkably calm while facing death. "Before you kill me; Did you know your rigged bombs were actually Turkish meatballs?" - the Angry Norwegian Dude "Why,yes. I mean, why rig the manor with bombs when I have an ongoing missile strike? I try to put small jokes and puns in every evil creation i make,but no-one finds them funny. I wonder why;I think they are hilarious." - Mr. Wolf "Weird. I thought that was hilarious. I mean, that is the heaviest afterburner I've ever gotten from Turkish meatball bombs." - The Angry Norwegian Dude "Right. hilarious is the word. Now,about that: Any last words?" - Mr. Wolf "Indeed. GO GET IT, BOY! GO GET IT!" - The Angry Norwegian Dude The Angry Norwegian Dude pulls a cookie jar out from one of his pockets, and flings it in the general direction of the Capital Wasteland. The cookie jar lobs over Spoonfield Manor and disappears in the horizon. "OH NO! Cookies,my only weakness,combined with a fetch game! I can't hold back... ARF! ARF! AROOO! ME CAN HAS COOKIE!" - Mr. Wolf Mr. Wolf starts running in the general direction of the Capital Wasteland, with drool hanging from his mouth. "Finally. Now, time to get to work. This one is for you, Gandalf: YOU SHALL NOT PAAAAASS!!!" - The Angry Norwegian Dude The Dude throws a grenade-like device on the ground. The device opens, and creates a shield over Spoonfield Manor. The missiles run into the barrier and explodes, but no damage is done to the surroundings. "Yihaa! I never thought that Shield Module was going to work properly. I have earned those anchovies, that's for sure.." - The Angry Norwegian Dude Wolf reappears from behind the dude and takes his leg off "Epic fail...your forgetting...im a master of deception.......i dont even like cookies...prepare to die"-Mr.Wolf Wolf slices the dude apart then recalls the missile strike "Ah yes.....the bigass explosion...brings me back"-Mr.Wolf Wolfs radio turns on "Uh sir...its gonna take an hour for us to arrive and bomb this place"-Jet piolot "What!Im gonna fuck-Forget it...ill ahnilate this place myself"-Mr.Wolf As the Wolf walks away, The Angry Norwegian Dude slowly rises. As he limps away from the manor, he mutters: "Mgnh. Bother This Nonsense! Oh, the pain. Me leg. I hope I can reach some first aid before it's too late. Spoonfield can save his own ass." - The Angry Norwegian Dude Wolf looks back at him,but doesn't care... He then walks to the manor and kills the power....taking out the lighting "Time for Payback...Bitch"-Mr.Wolf Coup de grâce "Good lord, The Dude got crippled. Oh gods he's leaving! And without his full payment to! If only he knew my machine was mass-replicating Anchovies for the past hour. Nitpicker, prepare The Dodo. Meryl, load your gun. You, with broken fingers, take Secret Weapon X and lets go get ourselves a Wolf Hide!" -Lord Spoonfield Wolf kicks through a wall in his human form and shoots randomly...he misses a lot of people...but destroys secret weapon x and badly cripples Meryl "THATS all.....pathetic i was hoping for a challenge"Mr.Wolf "Integrated AEP6s failing. Intializing escape protocol." -Meryl "Damn! The Dodo is still in the conference room in the bunker! What do we do?!" -Nitpicker "Surrender and ill give you a painless death...but just fight me...then i get to tear you apart...oh and my assitants along with a robotic Mr.75 destroyed the dodo...you have nothing to use against me...and to spice things up...i initiated the reactor meltdown...me an' you will be going to hell in a big ol'radioactive explosion...well...you will anyway...my survival suit and my wolfish abilities will save me"-Mr.Wolf Spoonfield pulls out a katana and slices off Wolf's head in one swift movement. "Goodnight, Wolfy." -Lord Spoonfield Wolf's head regenarates "Is that all....your forgetting i cn regenrate all of my body parts...even my balls and head"-Mr.Wolf "Meryl... you know what to do. I... I'm sorry." -Nitpicker "I know." -Meryl Meryl tackles Wolf, pinning him under her metal torso. A slim hypodermic extends from her arm, and rams into Wolf's neck. He howls in agony, silver permiating his bloodstream. The building groans, the reactor reaching critical mass. Spoonfield, the hero, and Doctor Y sprint for the exit, Nitpicker's brain in tow. "MERYL!" -Nitpicker The building explodes, and our heros are thrown clear. Category:Main Quest: Spoonfield